the conversation

So, last weekend was interesting. First I had a disastrous haircut, right before we’d planned to spend the day at a wine festival. What with one thing and another, I was in a fairly introspective mood (why does hair matter? Why am I so upset? Does it matter? Why does this all not make sense? Why don’t hairdressers listen?). So instead of doing what everyone else was doing, namely drinking and making merry, we drank, and had a serious conversation about the state of our relationship and our suitability as parents.

Yeah. I know.

You thought kids were off the cards for us? Well, it turns out that having the conversation over and over again is what’s on our cards, and as part of the drunken should-we-have-kids debate, we started talking about our relationship, how it’s going and how we feel about each other, as people and as parents, how we define failure, and how we perceive one another’s actions. There were tears and a little bit of shouting, but it was a good conversation. And although it’s hard to have those conversations (we can only have them while slightly liquored up), they are important to have.

According to the Gallup Strengthsfinder, I have the Adaptability strength. I may make my mind up about something (I am opinionated, and choose sides when I have researched the shit out of something), but I am also open to changing paths. The way they equate this is career-wise. People with the Adaptability strength typically don’t choose a set career path. Rather, they make decisions based on current needs, and adapt and change with the flow of things. They welcome change as part of everyday life, and see it as a blessing rather than a curse. So while I said I didn’t want kids a scant few months ago, it’s a decision I feel I cannot help but keep making. It’s not a static thing, it’s a thing I keep having to re-evaluate, re-look at, and re-decide.

And this conversation, as hard as it was to have, highlighted to me yet again the importance of conversation, especially in marriage. So often we get caught in the whirlwind of life, and the decisions we make are not conscious ones, they are a product of the haste with which we speed through life. I really think that the important decisions need to be consciously thought through, talked about, debated, argued about if necessary, but as long as they are thoroughly hashed out, then they can remain the same or change as needed.

So if you’re interested, the “we-aren’t-kids” people stance has changed to “we-aren’t-kids-people-right-now-but-we-might-be-sometime” stance. We haven’t ruled it out totally yet, but have agreed that if we do decide to become parents, we’ll do it in the next two years, before I’m 30. In the meantime, we are going to live the shit out of our lives, and try to decide which way the cookie will crumble.

Have you ever been in the midst of a decision that felt wrong? Had a huge conversation while revelry carries on around you? Or are you the person who shies away from talking about these things for fear of hearing what you don’t want to hear? Leave me a comment, and let’s support ourselves through this year of living deliberately. Oh, and take the Strengthsfinders test (it is R200, depending on the exchange rate, and you can buy a code here), you may be surprised to discover that it gives you the tools to think about and talk about what you do in a much more aware and conscious fashion. Invaluable, really.

Happy days, folks.

One thought on “the conversation

  1. It’s so refreshing to hear that other couples have those conversations, in public places, after a glass of wine or two with everyone around you being jolly and the two of you having fallen into a bubble! I feel sorry for the waiters. My other half and I had one only the other day. Sometimes it makes a date night not quite what we had planned but the conversations need to be had and they’re often more constructive when had in a public place where you can’t shout too loud and irrationally or walk away from each other. We’ve just moved in together and congratulated ourselves on having aired and shared our issues and have positively move forward together as a result. Ps. It’s never about the haircut!

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